Plus, common signs it's not a mental healthcare match.
Just like you won’t be compatible with everyone you take on a first date, you also won’t be a perfect match with every therapist you try. That can be due to several factors, such as different personalities and cultural backgrounds, or their therapeutic method, says Saba Harouni Lurie, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist and owner of Take Root Therapy in Los Angeles.
Whether you've spent a few sessions or a few years working with a therapist, you can always exercise your patient advocacy and break up with them, adds Kate Cummins, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist in California. At the end of the day, “you are a consumer of a product,” she says. “You need to feel like the power is yours to make the decision on the right fit for you.”
Ready to find out if it’s time to call it quits with your therapist? Ahead, read up on some signs that it's time to break up with your therapist, as well as how to navigate that convo:
Signs It Might Be Time To Break Up With Your Therapist
Therapists are not one-size-fits all, says Maryanne Comaroto, PhD, a psychologist specializing in relationships and the founder of Queen Of The Jungle, a foundation dedicated to healing women's trauma. Your best friend might swear by their therapist, for example, but you're just *not* clicking with them, even after several sessions. Because everyone is different, it's important to consider your unique situation when deciding whether or not to end this relationship.
That said, here are some common signs that it might be time to break up with your therapist:
1. Your schedules aren’t lining up.
When you’re just starting therapy, it can be extremely effective to meet weekly, Harouni Lurie says. But if you’re a few sessions in with a therapist and scheduling issues are already forcing you to meet sporadically, it won’t be worth investing the time, money, and energy into less frequent, and therefore, less effective sessions, she adds.
Of course, there will be times when you (and your therapist) are busier than others, but overall, you should prioritize getting the support you need, says Harouni Lurie. If you aren’t, talk to your therapist and see what you both think is best—it might be finding a new one.
2. You’re running the sessions.
Instead of therapy feeling like a collaborative process, you’re running the show. Not only are you bringing up the discussion topics, but you also feel like your therapist isn’t listening to you. They’re not asking many follow-up questions or checking in with your homework assignments, Cummins says. Basically, if “there's not a lot of back and forth” between you and your therapist, this could be a sign to call it quits, she adds.
3. There’s a mismatch of communication.
Let's say you’re asking for advice on how to not procrastinate as often at work, and your therapist tries to bring up your childhood, which isn’t relevant because you’re asking for help on your current situation. This is a mismatch of communication, and this therapist may not be trying to understand your perspective, Cummins says. “Just like in a normal relationship, the chemistry is all that matters,” Comaroto adds.
As a client, this can feel deflating because “you feel like you're always trying to prove what you're saying,” Cummins explains. “You need to feel like your clinician is not necessarily ‘on your side,’ but aligning in the understanding of who you are and where you come from.”
4. You’re not really comfortable with them.
Unfortunately, one therapy session *probably* isn’t going to make you feel better right away, Harouni Lurie says. However, if you don’t feel safe and secure with a therapist after a few sessions, they might not be a good fit for you. “Listening to your gut at the start is really important and valuable,” she notes.
You may feel unsafe or uncomfortable with a therapist for a variety of reasons. It could be something subtle: Perhaps they spend a lot of the session talking about themselves, they make you feel judged, or they’re not asking you for feedback on your sessions, Harouni Lurie says.
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But it could also be something more outright, Comaroto says. Maybe they make an assumption about your sexual or gender identity and when you express that you’re unhappy with this behavior, they’re not open to talking about it. (Of course, if a therapist is outright inappropriate and crosses ethical boundaries with you, like making sexual comments, it's in your best interest to just bow out, she adds.)
A caveat: Therapy can be an uncomfortable process, so you might not always be happy when your therapist calls you out on certain behaviors or unhealthy patterns, especially if you're a conflict-avoidant person. Still, you can take it as an opportunity to say: “I didn't really appreciate the language you used—can we talk about it?” Comaroto suggests. “Part of the reason we go to therapy is to practice things that we might not do in our other relationships so we can get better at it,” like communication and conflict resolution.
5. You don’t like their methods.
Every therapist comes from a different training background, so the way each one approaches sessions may vary, Harouni Lurie says. One therapist may just provide space for a client to share without expressing any of their own emotions, while another might be strategic and challenging with the client in their responses. “Sometimes, they're going to say things they know purposefully [will] upset the client to elicit some kind of reaction,” she adds.
If you don’t mesh with a specific therapist’s method, that’s a perfectly valid reason to end the relationship. Then, as you search for a new therapist, “make sure this person is a good fit for you—not only emotionally, but that their skillset reflects the kind of tools and capacity that you need to address whatever your issues are,” Comaroto advises.
6. They’re not digging deep enough.
The point of therapy is to create a space where you feel safe, Comaroto says, but it's also an invitation for you to delve into things that might not be easy to look at on your own. For example, maybe you’re really doing the work—like, you’re reading books your therapist recommends, checking out articles they send you, and doing the exercises they assign you. However, they’re not really helping you identify why you might be feeling a certain way. If you feel like your therapist isn’t digging deep enough and isn’t pushing you to help figure out your issue, that could mean it’s time to go, she says.
7. You might not need therapy anymore.
“There are times that we might outgrow the therapist we're working with,” Harouni Lurie says. Or maybe therapy has helped you evolve, and now you have the skills to handle your mental health on your own (yay!). If you’ve consistently had trouble coming up with topics to discuss in therapy, or you’ve recently found that your sessions aren’t super helpful, those could be signs that you might not need therapy anymore.
If you’re in this boat, you can totally end things with your therapist, and they might even be happy about it—after all, that means they did their job. “I want my patients to not need me,” Cummins says.
How To Break Up With Your Therapist
If you’ve made it this far, chances are you’re either pretty sure you want to break up with your therapist, or you’re fully ready to pull the trigger. Read on to find out what to do in both situations:
If You’re Not 100-Percent Sure You Want To Leave Your Therapist
First, take stock of why exactly you’re unhappy with your current therapy experience, Comaroto says. Ask yourself: What was I expecting to come from therapy? What’s bugging me about this therapist? What role do I want my therapist to play? Am I really ready to do this work on myself? (Sometimes, it’s easy to blame a therapist if you’re not doing work on yourself in between sessions, she says.)
Then, in a convo with your therapist, reflect on your lack of satisfaction, Cummins says. Try something like: “I don't feel like I'm growing, learning, or working on the goals I had when I started therapy,” she says.
If your therapist made you feel uncomfortable or upset at any point during your sessions, make sure to name specific times when those emotions have come up, Harouni Lurie says. As scary as it might be, “therapists are trained to have these types of conversations,” Cummins adds.
The way that discussion goes will help you decide whether you want to keep working with this therapist. If you do, it can be helpful to create goals and come up with a plan to reach them in a certain amount of sessions. This will add structure and help you and your therapist know if therapy is working, Harouni Lurie says.
It’s also worth a shot to chat with your friends about their therapy success stories. Ask why they felt their experiences were successful, and compare and contrast their stories with your own. You might find that while you thought you’d feel better overnight from therapy, they mention that it took them a long time to get what they needed out of it—and that inspires you to go to more sessions.
Then, if after you’ve had this chat with your therapist and nothing changes in their approach, you can break up with them. “You don't owe anything to your therapist,” Cummins says. “So many relationships in life don't work out,” and that’s completely okay.
Ahead, some tips for how to go about this convo…
If You’re *Very* Sure You Want To Leave Your Therapist
Tell your therapist “specifically how you're feeling and what you are needing,” Harouni Lurie says. You can keep it short and sweet—Cummins says you don’t owe them any details—or you can provide some feedback if you’d like. One more piece of advice: “If someone was telling you a difficult truth, say it how you'd want to hear it,” Comaroto suggests.
Here are some scripts you can follow for different situations, from Harouni Lurie and Comaroto:
“I don’t think we’re a fit, but I appreciate your support.”
“I've been feeling frustrated/unsure/ambivalent because of [insert reason], and I’m not sure I want to continue.”
“I’m ready to wrap up my work with you and find someone who specializes specifically in [insert therapy topic].”
“I've been feeling satisfied with how I feel after our sessions, and I think I'm ready to wrap them up.”
FAQs
Is my therapist *really* the issue?
Sometimes, your therapist really is the issue, like if they're violating your boundaries and are not receptive when you’ve tried speaking with them about it. But other times, you might not be a fan of their modality or the process of therapy itself. If, after a few sessions, therapy just isn’t doing it for you, trust your gut. “No one will know what it's like to live in your shoes better than you,” Cummins says.
However, if you are comfortable around your therapist but you don’t think their method is for you, ask which type of therapy they’d recommend for you based on your personality, Cummins says, or do some independent research. Increasing your knowledge on the types of modalities “will help you then determine whether it is your therapist or the therapeutic modality or perhaps you,” she adds.
So, if your issue is anxiety, read up on therapy modalities specifically designed to meet that mental health need, Comaroto says. You’ll get a sense of the kind of therapy that would help you when you read about it. Maybe you find that acceptance and commitment therapy doesn’t work as well for you, but you’d love to try cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). From there, reach out to some in-network CBT providers on your insurance website for potential calls to learn more about their approach.
How soon is too soon to dump a therapist?
Unfortunately, there’s no hard-and-fast rule on this one—the best time to break up with a therapist is different for everyone, Harouni Lurie says. However, “if you start engaging in the therapeutic journey, and you learn very quickly that you're not getting the things that you were hoping to get, then busting out of there on session two is totally fine,” Cummins says.
A caveat: If your therapist is talking to their kids during your session or was 20 minutes late and that’s why you want to break up with them, that’s one thing. But if you think you want to jet because you’re scared of opening up, take time to think about if that’s the real reason you want to leave your therapist, Cummins says. You know yourself the best, and if you’re not ready for therapy, that’s okay—you might need more time before pursuing it.
Can I break up with my therapist over email?
It depends on who you ask, TBH. To Cummins, it’s a paid service, so you’re allowed to stop it the way you want to. You’re not obligated to talk on the phone or in-person to your therapist—whether you’ve seen them for three years or three sessions—especially if you feel scared or unsafe doing that, she says.
However, Harouni Lurie considers it a best practice to end the relationship over a phone call or in-person so you can explain why. (Often, therapists will get on the phone with a client without charging them, she adds.) After all, “practicing communication is one of the things that we hope comes from therapy,” she says. This chat will also help your therapist become better at what they do, Comaroto notes.
If you’re ending it with a long-term therapist, “we want to honor the relationship,” Harouni Lurie says, especially if they’ve supported you through challenging transitions. Plus, your therapist might even want to celebrate you over the phone or in-person when they hear the news. “It's almost like a graduation day where you get to talk about all of the things that you see in yourself and the places of growth,” Cummins adds.
Is it ever okay to ghost a therapist?
If they legally or ethically crossed any lines and you’re scared of their response when you try to break up with them, then yes, Cummins says. But if your therapist just wasn’t the right fit for you or you’re not ready to continue therapy yet, consider whether ghosting aligns with your values and integrity, Harouni Lurie says.
“Most of us are seeking therapy because we want to work on how we are engaging in our relationships” through communication, Harouni Lurie says. If you find yourself wanting to ghost your therapist, think about why, Comaroto says. Ask yourself: What are my patterns? Do I leave relationships too soon? Do I have a hard time opening up to people? At the end of the day, though, do what you need to to take care of yourself.
Should I have another therapist before I dump my current one?
If you don’t want to end therapy but you’re not really getting your needs met by your current one, then yes. Choosing to be intentional about lining somebody else up is a form of self-care and can create a feeling of safety, says Cummins.
Your therapist might even be able to help you find another clinician that could be a better fit, Harouni Lurie says. Say something like: “Hey, this isn't working for me. I want to try a new therapist—would you be able to help me find the person that is the right fit?” If you don’t trust your current therapist, though, and you need immediate support, take the time to do research on your own and find a better match before your breakup convo.
However, if you’re not sure whether you want to continue therapy, then no, there’s no reason to find another therapist.
Oh, and one last thing: Breaking up with a therapist because you two weren’t the right fit is absolutely not a failure—it’s simply a stepping stone to your next move on your mental health journey, Cummins says. A therapist breakup teaches you what you don’t want, and now, you can become more intentional about what you do want.